Imaginary Illusion
by lollipop-lalala
Summary: Kanda, Allen, Lavi. Lavi and Allen after Kanda's death.


For Duckie, and Regine (who won't know anything about this!).

Pairings: Kanda x Allen, Kanda x Lavi, Lavi x Allen.

--

On the day of Kanda's funeral, Allen didn't cry.

He held a rose in his hand, blood red and it reminded Lavi of Kanda so much, and he placed it on his grave. Then he left and hid himself somewhere far away and behind everything else so painful.

Lavi watched the wind blow the leaves off the rose and carry pieces of it away. He watched and watched until everything disappeared and floated away, thinking that maybe Kanda was the wind and didn't want pity, or he was angry or irritated or embarrassed.

Maybe Kanda was crying.

--

He pinned Allen on the wall and then kissed him slowly, savouring the taste and softness that was Allen and Allen alone _(not Kanda) _and yet not.

Allen tensed just slightly, and placed both hands on his shoulders and pushed him away.

"Lavi," he breathed, "I'm sorry."

Lavi smiled.

"Are you really?"

--

Everything hurts now that Kanda wasn't there.

The way Allen never really looked at anyone else again, the way he never smiled the same way as he did before, the way his eyes were always opaque and blank and cold.

Everything melted from crystals that disappeared just like that in the blood and blackness.

The way he never felt anything anymore made it hurt even more.

--

This was the second time.

Allen's lips were cold, bitter and everything else and nothing at all. Maybe he tasted like tears or blood or sadness, but Lavi wouldn't know.

If Kanda had been there, he would have shouted at him and told him he was stupid.

But he wasn't so Lavi laughed in his mind and swept everything underneath the depths of his heart and killed himself.

--

The day they fought an akuma, they cracked the glass that separated them and tried to reach out to each other.

"Lavi," Allen was saying. "Please don't die."

Lavi couldn't hear everything else except him, and the voices in his head drowned his voice. The buildings were crumbling and falling around them, and stoned rained and fell into blood spilled on the ground.

Lavi opened his eyes and smiled.

"I wouldn't want to die twice."

In the end, they couldn't reach out at all.

--

The first time, Allen had pushed him away.

The second time, he had no response.

The third time, he had kissed him back.

Lavi wondered if he saw Kanda in him, or maybe he just needed someone, _him,_ to be there for him.

But he was never there, never wanted to be there, never will be there.

--

He wondered what it was like to die.

If he died after fighting an akuma, everything would be red and bloody and so very painful, and maybe people would cry for him, and the tears would be for him.

If he died from being so lonely and sad and lost, _heartbroken,_ no one would know and understand and everything will hurt so much more that Lavi wished he would never die ever again.

--

Lavi saw something in Allen.

He was a fallen angel, torn of his wings and bloodied and sad, blinded by all the pain he had experienced and death around him, death of someone close and so dear.

Lavi saw himself in Allen.

That's why he had tried to build something for them and for both of them to heal.

But because everything hurts and was painful and too much for them to bear, Lavi couldn't hide and heal and escape, because his mind haunted him and memories never faded.

--

Desperate.

He needed him. He needed him so much that he would die for anything he could find left of him, so he kissed Allen and traced the parts left of Kanda that he never touched or felt himself.

But nothing was for him.

Everything was for Allen.

In the end, Lavi couldn't have those things and all he could do was to look away and wish for them.

--

Lavi was writing a letter.

The fountain pen he had was smudging ink everywhere, so that his letter could not be read and his sleeves were dirty and black and made no difference at all.

He wrote what he could have done, could have been, if people never died.

—_if people never died, I would have loved—_

The fountain pen stopped, and it created a stain so deep ink passed though pieces of papers underneath and smeared on the table.

—_I would have loved—_

His hand shook and trembled so hard he was laughing.

—_I would have loved—_

He stabbed his right hand with the pen and his blood was black and red.

--

Allen didn't ask anything when he came out of his room, just silently wrapped his wound.

Lavi never winced or cried.

He breathed and closed his eyes and saw something heartbreaking all over again and opened them.

"Does it hurt?"

His tone was as dead and hollow as his eyes.

The blank in between them both was wide, stretching and growing bigger.

Lavi closed his eyes again and said, "No."

Nothing else can hurt him more.

--

Allen came home late at night at one time, slightly bloody but never breathing. He was silent and quiet and Lavi could do nothing to change that.

"I made you dinner," he said, and smiled.

The curtains danced and danced in the wind, and the candles flickered and melted.

"I'm not hungry."

Lavi cried.

"Then you should die."

--

Lavi had a lot of time, so he went to paint the sky.

He used blue and white and blue and white, and the sky was so white and blue and everything that made the sky outside grey, so he looked for the other colours.

There were none.

He slit his arm and let it bleed and used his blood to paint it red.

--

The place was suffocating.

Lavi couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything except the blinding light in the distance, and everything was dark and scary and made him hurt and he was sad and afraid and felt suffocated and helpless.

Allen's room was worse.

He couldn't see himself, see anything or think and all he wanted to do was escape and run away because everything was sad and black and the tears are everywhere.

The worst of all was Kanda's room.

He couldn't feel or touch or breathe, and his mind was a tangled mess every time he came in and all he could think of was blood and blood and so much blood _where was Kanda _and the need surrounding the room, filling it to the brim and nothing was bearable.

This was asphyxiation, and he could only suffocate and die silently.

--

There was no hope, but Lavi waited.

It was after midnight when Allen arrived home. The lights were not turned on and the windows and doors were closed so that nothing could escape, the ghosts in the room or things that were once important.

Allen looked at him with eyes that could kill him all over again, but nothing was worse than his own death at first.

"You're leaving?"

He smiled.

"Yes."

The room was deafening when Allen walked towards the staircase, up into the emptiness, the blank space that had once brought warmth and love like a home. Lavi stood up.

The door closed and nobody was left.

--

**fin.**

Word count: 1230

This had a lot of hidden meanings that hopefully not only I understood.


End file.
